Where Does Confidence Come From?
Feb 12, 2023I used to be so shy. It’s not that I am completely un-shy now, but I have learned some key things that helped to build my confidence so now it is easier to just show up as I am. To believe that I can be whatever it is that I dream of. To be a rock for someone else and inspire people to set goals and achieve them.
I don’t think shy is the actual opposite definition of confidence, but when I think about who I used to be and why I never wanted to speak up, it was because I was afraid which translated into me being shy. I didn’t have the confidence to believe I was worthy. I was terrified of being called on in class as a kid because I didn’t think I had the right answer. I actually still hate being called on to speak completely out of the blue, but now I am much more likely to be the one with my hand in the air begging to be called on.
So what changed? How did I go from painfully shy to “pick me!”? Well, it was one step at a time. There was no giant leap for Marisa-kind. It was only small steps. The first time that I remember someone specifically telling me that I had gained confidence was when I was getting my masters degree. One of the professors commented toward the end of my degree on just how much I had come out of my shell. I hadn’t seen it at the time, but looking back he was right. I had gained so much confidence in those two years. After much reflection, I have come up with the steps that helped me gain confidence and I want to share them with you because you deserve to be happy. You deserve to love yourself. You deserve to walk with your held held high. You deserve to FEEL like the best version of yourself. Here are a few steps that helped me that can help you too!
1. Knowledge. A lot of times, we are just scared because we don't understand. When I started my masters degree I was like a fish out of water. I had no idea what I was doing. I was behind on day 1 because you should have already done all your reading before class (whoops!) and I started in March when most people were half way through their first year. As I continued through the program, I gained lots of knowledge (that is the point of schooling after all!) and therefore I gained confidence in not only the subject matter but also my routine. I knew my professors, my classmates, the expectations of accelerated classes and where to park, among other things. So, if you are lacking confidence in an area in your life, I can guarantee if you just go out and learn as much as you can about that subject you will gain a boat load more confidence! Whatever it is, marketing, building a website, running, nutrition - you name it, you can learn about it! It doesn’t need to be formal schooling like in my example. The internet is a wealth of free information. You can find podcasts on anything now-a-days. So once you have identified your goal and what you want to achieve, go to Google and see what else you can learn about it! This will open a whole world of other resources like books or youtube videos that can help you along the way.
2. People. I had people who believed in me!!! They told me I was smart. They told me that I had an opinion that mattered. I also had people that were so inspiring. Single moms, getting their masters degree, working a full time job and starting their own non-profit - they were amazing, even if they didn’t sleep. So yes, surrounding yourself with amazing and inspiring people is one great way to boost your confidence. My professors told me that my opinion mattered and they more or less forced me to share in class whether it was online or in person. I needed to participate in order to get points for participation. But it wasn’t just the points that motivated me - it was their reaction to what I said. It was their encouragement. It was how they asked the questions. They made me feel comfortable and they reminded me that I mattered. So this is me reminding you. YOU MATTER. YOU are amazing. YOU have so much greatness to share with the world. Don’t hold back. If you don’t have these encouraging people in your life, go out and find them! If you can’t find them, you can use me! That is what I am here for after all! All along my journey, I have listened to and followed inspiring people, most will never know who I am, but they were my encouragement when I didn’t have what I needed around me. Books were also another great place to turn, not just for the knowledge but for the authors story and their belief that if they can do it, so can I! So, books are not people, but authors are and they can be your source of energy when you need a jolt! Filling your mind with inspiration from others who have gone ahead of you is a great way to help you. You might not have the confidence in yourself (yet!), so you can borrow someone else's.
3. Do the thing. I hinted to this a bit in the people category, but sometimes you just have to do the thing. I mean, I might have spoken up in class and completely blacked out while I was talking but I did it and I lived to talk about it. You can only prepare so much eventually you just have to do it. The more you do the thing, the more you gain the confidence. This is why you hear great speakers talk about how they started in their local library speaking to 5 people. When you see them on a stage in front of 15,000 people - that is not where they started. They started doing the thing on a really small scale and over time they gained confidence (and skill) to keep doing the thing. I have to give credit where credit is due - Daren Hardy and Brendon Burchard are the ones that I have learned this from and they just keep preaching it. Stop sitting around. DO THE THING! It’s just like what you have heard time and time again - the only way to get over a fear is to face the fear. That is pretty much what this is. But I also have to tell you - you are going to do the thing and you will be elated! And then there will be another “thing” and you will conquer that and celebrate. And then there will be another “thing.” You will continue to encounter challenges along the journey - but each time you will remind yourself to “do the thing” and you will rise to the occasion! When you look back, you will be shocked at just how far you have come and it’s all because you just kept doing the thing.
4. Stop giving a shit about what other people think. I first heard this advice from Rachel Hollis. She said “Other peoples opinions of you are none of your business.” When I heard that I had a light bulb moment. Like DUH! People are entitled to their opinion, but that doesn’t mean I need to care about it! You are who you are and you are not everyone’s cup of tea! BUT you are lots of other peoples cup of tea! I know not everyone will like me and that's okay. The second that I stopped caring what people thought about what I am doing, driving, drinking, buying etc. the second I felt FREE!! Free to just be. The worry that we feel inside is not serving us - it’s trapping us. Instead, be YOU. And when that happens, YOUR people are going to come to you. Just let go of this idea that you need to be perfect to be loved. The people who love you are not looking for perfection, they are looking for you! Authentic you. Being you also brings so much joy because you aren’t worried about what people think - and joy is priceless! But please know that you are worthy of wonderful relationships. If people don’t like you the second you stop trying to make them like you they will just go away. It isn’t this catastrophic event that you may have created in your head. Just stop giving attention to the people who don’t actually care about you and fall in love with who you are and when you do this, other people will fall in love with the authentic you. You will have a tribe of supporters in no time. A lot of times the reason we are self-conscious is because we are trying to be someone else - essentially putting on an act so someone will like us. When we let that go not only do we feel better, but we will attract like minded people into our life.
5. Do something physical. It doesn’t matter what it is really. Pick whatever you want and like. Maybe it’s tree pose and you want to see how long you can hold it. Or a plank hold. I was just talking to someone the other day who is holding a plank for 15 seconds and wants to get to a minute. This is a great challenge! Maybe it’s squats - you are using body weight but want to get to 10 lbs. Or maybe it’s running and you want to run just a little farther than you’ve ever run before. Or maybe a little faster. You can literally pick anything!! But please pick something. First of all, exercise induces all the happy hormones so it’s always a great option for making you feel good. But when you push PAST what you previously thought you could never do, something just unlocks inside you. It’s like hitting the jackpot. It’s like getting an extra life in the pac-man game. It’s like chocolate when you have your period. I mean it’s AMAZING! In 2020 when I ran 5 miles for the first time in over 15 years I was on cloud nine. I thought holy cannoli I didn’t think I COULD run 5 miles. And every time I ran past what I thought I could do I had that same OH MY GOD feeling. I know I will sound so corny when I say this (but please refer to point 4, because I just don’t care), but running was one of the best things I did to boost my confidence! Maybe there is some fancy science behind it but I am just telling you my experience - what worked for me. And that is pushing my body beyond the limits that my mind set for it. By doing this I gained even more confidence to walk into my day with. When you feel physically strong, you will carry that with you everywhere you go.
I can promise you, if you take these 5 points and just work at them a little at a time, one at a time, you will soon look back and think LOOK HOW FAR I’VE COME! I just know it! Remember, this is about small steps. I have given you a synopsis of the many steps I have taken to increase my confidence, but this didn't happen all at once. Our life is a journey and as long as we continue to take the small steps, then we are growing in the direction we should be. And that is what life is all about - The Journey!
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