Ditch the FOMO

FOMO - Fear OF Missing Out.  Listen, I had to google that shit the first time I saw it, so I get it.  Some of us are behind on the times and need a little lesson.  I accept you just the way you are.

Here’s the thing - while FOMO is a new term, the actual Fear Of Missing Out is not a new phenomena.  It has been around for years and year and years.  This is because it is a basic human need to want to feel connect to other people.  It is a basic human need to be accepted, to be part of a tribe.  Since this is a basic human need, we are likely to succumb to other people’s requests or to do things we otherwise would not because we want to be accepted by others. Back in my day we called this “Keepin’ up with the Jones’.”

Basically, that just meant that people would do things or buy things just to keep up with their neighbors.  Neighbor got a new pool?  So will I.  Neighbor got a brand new BMW?  So will I.  This need to be like others is deeply ingrained in us.  Have you ever seen national lampoon’s Christmas?  The whole movie is about trying to out do the other, or impress the other.  It’s funny because it’s a movie, but the truth is that we do this on the regular in less exaggerated, less funny ways.

The first thing to know about this is that it is normal.  If you find yourself saying yes to everything just to make sure everyone is happy with you and that you belong, just take a deep breath knowing that this is you trying to meet a basic human need.  The next thing to do is examine if this is really what you want to do.  Not all of FOMO is bad.  Sometimes we say yes to things that we didn’t want to miss out on but it’s also something that at our core we really wanted to do.  So this is what we need to be aware of.  Are we saying yes to something because we wanted to do the thing?  If yes, GREAT!  Or are we saying yes to something because we wanted to be in community with our friends?  Hey, this is also GREAT!  I have totally gone to a concert because my friends wanted to go.  I didn’t care too much about the concert, I just wanted to be with my friends.  Or are we saying yes to something because we feel obligated to maintain a certain image?  This last one is where it gets dangerous.  

Let's dive into why this is a slippery slope.  There are multiple concerns with this:

• If we are trying to maintain a certain image, it is likely we haven’t accepted who we are.  We haven’t accepted a part of ourselves and we are looking outwardly to try to get other people to accept us.  But here is the kicker: people just actually don’t care about what you have.  Sure, they think it is cool for the first few days maybe, but they are more concerned about themself and where they are at then where you are at.  
• If we are doing something to impress other people, we are likely doing things that don’t actually bring us joy.  Y’all!! Life is too damn short to be doing things that don’t bring you joy! 
• If we are doing things for other people we are *sometimes* ignoring certain really important aspects of our life - one example being that we might be ignoring our budget.  People will literally go broke just to have this image like they are rich. 

There is another layer to this that I purposely left til later - Social Media.  The reason why I didn’t lead with this is because the FOMO has existed for many years.  Many people are blaming social media, but that is not the culprit.  However, social media is exacerbating the problem.  Because with social media we are constantly “connected,” we are constantly barraged with offers.  We are constantly seeing what the people we went to high school with are doing. We are seeing them when they are “madly” in love and building new houses.  We are constantly faced with FOMO.  We believe that we are so far behind where we should be.  

Social media is something that can be amazing but it can also be to our detriment.  It can be filled with love and inspiration or it can be filled with hate and frustration.  How we utilize social media is up to us.  What we see on social media is up to us.  We have to guard against things that cause our emotions to peak.  If you find that following a certain account has you feeling frustrated, sad, jealous or any other emotion that makes you uncomfortable, you don’t need to continue following that account.  You have my permission.  It might even be someone that you know and love.  You might need to at least block their content from showing in your feed.  Even well-intended people can have us feeling like we are not doing enough, we aren’t far enough into our career, our house isn’t big enough and our kids are demons.  You need to limit how much you are exposing yourself to these people in order to protect YOU.  Social media in and of itself is not evil, but sometimes that fact that we are so connected to it, checking it multiple times a day, causes our brains to have constant input that is saying “I am not good enough.”  And this is where it hurts us.

YOU are okay right where you are.  You are safe.  You are beautiful. You are doing fine.  You can buy all the material things in the world and still not be where you want to be.  You can buy all the material things in the world, and still not be happy.  My advice to you is to turn inward.  You need to really look at your life and what you have in life and where you want to go. The key word being YOU!  Here is a great example of how FOMO has played out for me and when I turned inward I realized I’m actually not missing anything.  I recently saw a post of someone I went to high school with on some dreamy vacation on a beach with like the really pretty sand and the blue, blue water.  She is beautiful and was with her beautiful husband and her beautiful kids.  In my head I’m like “I want to go on that vacation.  I want to be on that beach.”  When I stopped and really thought about that - I knew that wasn’t true.  For staters, I don’t like water that much.  And the waves in the ocean are terrifying so I prefer a lake over the ocean.  I also am not a big fan of being on the beach.  Sunscreen and sand all over my body and I’m hot and sweaty but scared of the water… It’s a weird combo.  I like the beach but it’s not what lights my soul on fire.  I LOVE to be in the mountains, near or on a lake. I love to hike and see life from a higher perspective.  THIS is what I want.  So after turning inward, I realized while the pictures of this person with her family on this beach were BEAUTIFUL - it was not anything for me to run out and do.  I am happy with my next planned vacation of going to New Hampshire.  So, turn inward before making any impulse decisions.  

If you think turning down impulse decisions is hard for you, can you imagine how it feels for our young people?  And by young people I am talking kids 10-18.  These are CHILDREN.  Have you ever had a kid come in and say “Jonny has an iPad and I want one too!” or “Emily’s mom bought her a horse why can’t I have one!?”  I mean, lets be real - I do NOT want a horse but as a kid I thought they were cool.  Anyway, I digress.  The point is that kids are especially susceptible to influence.  They have not developed the ability to know what they really want.  They definitely have not figured out how much money it costs to buy and keep a horse alive. I am taking a strong stance on this one: it is our job as adults to limit and control our children on social media.  I know they are your precious babies and we THINK we can trust them.  We THINK they know better.  We BELIEVE they will tell us everything.  The fact remains - they just do not have the brain development and the problem solving ability to navigate the temptations on social media.  They can be swayed.  They can be taken advantage of.  While this can happen at any age, it is particularly true of our youngin’s and we need to do everything in our power to keep them safe.

Studies have shown that there has been an increase in anxiety, depression and self harm associated with social media use.  A recent report done by the Centers for Public Education said the following: “Research suggests that harmful social media posts can be linked to feelings of envy, inadequacy, and less satisfaction with life. In addition, teenagers’ addictive use of social media can lead to ADHD symptoms, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and sleep deprivation (Columbia University, 2021).”   The point of this is to be aware, not to be scared.  When you are aware you can make different decisions for you and for your family.  

There are a couple other aspects that come into play with FOMO that it is important to be aware of: time & money.  Many times our FOMO has us over committing.  This strong need to be everything to everyone so that we can be accepted and loved has us saying yes to everything!  This is what leads to us feeling out of balance and out of control of our own lives.  Basically, we start living someone else’s agenda and not our own.  I go into this more in my blog post about life balance and even about goal setting.  Check them out if you want to dive more into time.  The other aspect, money, becomes obvious when we are saying yes to things that cost money when in reality we may not have the money or if we do we might have other money goals that we ignore because our need for belonging is so strong.  I know I have been guilty of saying yes to things whether or not I had the money and I would just put it on the credit card.  This is exactly how I got myself into a pile of credit card debt.  If you need more help with tackling debt and staying on a budget, check out my mini course here.

The important thing to remember is that there are other ways to belong and be accepted and have a fruitful community than just over committing and spending all your money.  We are all so busy and your dearest friends are going to understand that!  So if they are asking you something that your intuition is saying no, but your brain is saying “yes, we need to belong” perhaps ask for some time so you can think it through, or check your bank account.  This gives you space to remind yourself what your goals are and what you have time and money to commit to.  My favorite saying, “If it is not a hell yes, it’s a hell no!”  

Your life should be focused on YOU.  When you are aligned with who you want to be, and you set goals that are aligned with that, you will have immense joy!  Trying to be someone else, or be like someone else, is what leads to feelings of anxiety or depression.  When we focus on ourselves, we become like a magnet and attract the community into our life that we need and desire!